Good Times, Good Times

The Want

Once I was so sure
Now the doubt inside my mind
Comes and goes, but leads nowhere*

 

Fuck off ghost of ivf future - ain't gonna happen. 

 

Three drawers full of memories doesn't look like that many years of heartache when dumped on the couch, does it?  Honestly?  I caress them like my old cat - look at the half empty progesterone bottle, crack a smile at the four year old vial of gonalF, rip open an alcohol swab just to bring me back to the hellish times, try to get rid of that pesky repronex! 

 

Yes, I'm sick. I freely admit it.  I'm an ivf whore; sick and jealous and lucky and grateful.  And done.  Time for my hidden treasures to meet the sidewalk (or the pharmacy as happens).  I have insulin syringes!  For lupron! Which I haven't had since 2003! 

 

Certainly clearing all these old ghosts will start something positive, no?

 

*anyone who gets this without googling gets a prize - yes a real prize (either cookies or a sausage bread).

 

**Maybe I'll jab G in the ass for good measure before everything gets trashed.

?

Do you ever click on your own blog just in case someone had the heart to post something for you in your absence?  Just me eh?

Jim Bob - I have a lot of hate in my heart

I mean really??  For fucking fuck's sakes?  Or what? 

Cor blimey (slaps forhead)!  I need to go and breathe the arkansas air - that's what it is right?  Arkansas air - the new bromelain!  Is she eating the fertile dirt - what is it??  18 kids?  EIGHTEEN??

Meanwhile I sit here perfecting my alcohol induced irish accent (see second paragraph - sometimes it's english - yes pru, you can call me on that).

See, here's the thing

It's either a nervous breakdown without the nerves (emotional breakdown?) or a mid-life crisis.  I suppose it could be a reawakening of the soul or perhaps I'm just fucked in the head (FIH).

Do you think infertility predisposes you to be being FIH (duh) or FIH predisposes you to infertility?

Major marital issues over here - we were even separated for about 5 minutes, but then I had a "date" (just a friend!), G freaked and wants now to get back together.  So that's where we are - how about you?

I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do, I just know that we all have to wind up happy, because this constantly pissed off/depression crap has been going on for years with infertility - I'm not going to put up with it for the rest of my life in the marriage department.  The a/ds are great for stability and staying out of jail purposes, but I'd love to get off them and get rid of the side effects (which aren't awful, but they're still there).  We've done the counseling thing and both agreed that that reached the end of its usefulness since I'd leave more depressed and cry on the way home.

I'm still working part time from home and I'm not sure how this is going to pan out. I'm a big communicator (you can get that from how much I've blogged and commented in the last month and a half) and this dude is used to working alone.  It's also so random - one week I could work for 20 minutes, then next five hours, the following have meetings, etc.  I have thought of getting a job outside of the house (gasp!), but I haven't been able to wrap my head around that thought (does that prove I'm certifiable?) 

So that's it - my life in flux.  I'd give my right arm to cycle again, I have wet dreams about retrieval (sicko alert!) and I still have "feelings" when I see your random pregnant whores woman, though thanks to the a/ds, I no longer start sobbing uncontrollably.  All in all, not too bad, eh?

Two years ago (child ment and pictures)

Well, I didn't think I was going to be posting and then this birthday thing crept up on me.  I honestly, do not know what I would do without my little hellfire, button-pushing, sly little adventurous, stubborn, (boy crazy!), smart and crazy, beautiful girl.

Two years ago you were yanked, still fighting, from me - happy Birthday bucket head!  In the words of Paul Weller, 'You're the best thing that ever happened, to me or my world"...

(other pictures deleted)